*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
#SuperBowl
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*