I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer