Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs