What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
You Might Also Like
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have