Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance