*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*