It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
i wish i could marry a nap
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.