GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
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13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Computer: shutting down
Me: same