[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I need to get some bricks…
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I would move hell over six inches for you
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?