Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.