Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me trying to “trust the process”
I have never related to anyone more.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.