I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”