Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying