Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I’m having an out of money experience.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner