There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
🙄😏😂🤣
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
the composer
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*