You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.