*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
LOOOOOOL
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it