When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’m giving up ice.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.