I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich