[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Ron is short for Aaronald
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*