Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.