True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
What a chick magnet..
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…