I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
But that’s none of my business
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair