The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
You Might Also Like
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.