If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
You Might Also Like
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.