Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
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My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble