My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
😂😂
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.