HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
this came to me in a vision
Why is everyone getting married at me
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
peep davidson
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.