Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.