The Weeknd is back
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BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Please do it!
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”