Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.