ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
That’s fair
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”