“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.