google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
You Might Also Like
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.