girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
You Might Also Like
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.