Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
yall want some gasoline milk
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
The days of good grammer has went
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.