i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child