I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
never compromise your values
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later