It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
You Might Also Like
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*