If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy