Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.