Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.