My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
it must be school picture day
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
next level snooze
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.