[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset