Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
You Might Also Like
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasnβt even moved.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? ππ
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: Iβm just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Iβm waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, βGET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,β and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like heβd been caught. Itβs chaos out there.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
me [putting sons toy together] I donβt think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, itβs not supposed to be on fire like that
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Date: Donβt tell anyone we met online. Itβs embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Whereβd you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be βthe fishesβ, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I canβt convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
An F wouldnβt be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
HER: iβm leaving you
HIM: is it because we canβt have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.