[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
President The Rock Obama
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
(True)
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store