No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.