If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.