Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
somebody come look at this
whenever i wake up before my alarm
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.