Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.